xstatix's Xanga

So I've been told..

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 13:38:08 GMT

...that you're not a fan of your name being splashed all over my blog? Deal with it. I'll take it down when I feel like it. What did you expect would happen when you whore yourself out to someone's boyfriend? It's not like you stopped when you knew what you were doing was wrong. The below chats are your words, not mine. You brought it on yourself. Trust me, there's worse things in that chat log that I can put about you.

Believe it or not, this was not for anyone to find. However, now that it's out there, you should probably thank me!!! I bet your boss or co-workers have already seen it. It's probably why they're still keeping you on. They know you can serve them a little extra something with the coffee you get them not to mention the putting out you'll do come promotion and bonus time. Oh but wait, you won't have to do that cuz your brother will make them promote you regardless. Simply put, I really have no reason to take it down. :)

If I haven't already made it abundantly clear, your name, Elektra de Gans stays. Don't attempt to censor me now or in the future. I have a wealth of Skype Logs with your name on it that I can post at a moment's notice, anywhere on the internet. You have not shown me any caring, courtesy or respect. So why should I bother to do so to you?

Why do I do this to myself!!!!

Thu, 25 Jun 2009 17:59:26 GMT

123	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:24:07 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	I want you
124	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:24:11 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	ummm in my bed
125	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:24:13 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	:D
126	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:24:49 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I want your pussy
127	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:25:15 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	Does that bother you?
128	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:26:28 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I wanna taste you sooooo fucking badly
129	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:26:52 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	You're so bad
130	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:27:15 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I heard a rumor about you
131	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:28:19 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	What is this rumor?
132	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:28:29 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	uhmm
133	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:28:30 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	well
134	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:28:46 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	are you sure you want me to tell you?
135	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:28:57 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I dunno
136	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:30:28 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	are you sure?
137	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:32:50 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	Yes, I'm sure. :)
138	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:35:16 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I heard that you want to fuck me
139	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:38:23 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	Hmm
140	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:38:32 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I guess it's not true then.
141	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:38:37 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	Very
142	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:38:39 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	Ah well
143	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:43:02 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	You are so naughty!!!
144	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:43:09 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	You turn me on sooooooooooo much
145	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:43:30 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I am really dying to see this
146	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:43:54 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	What is this?
147	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:44:37 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	this = my turning you on
148	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:51:34 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	I'd love to slide your cock into my mouth
149	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:51:52 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	And be able to suck and lick you until you cum down my throat
150	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:51:57 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	Yummy....
151	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:54:17 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	FUCK ME
152	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:54:52 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I want to suck on your sweet pussy until you BEG me never to leave you
153	Chat Message	3/16/2009 6:55:08 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	THAT'S yummy
154	Chat Message	3/16/2009 7:14:12 PM	cmajor9900	Bryan Zabala	I love you.
155	Chat Message	3/16/2009 7:14:40 PM	shopaholic_8	Elektra De Gans	I love you more

LOL at batshit stupid exes hahaha

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 02:39:25 GMT

[11:06] x143: shes aight
[11:06] x143: she looks like ayleen
[11:06] j83: NOOOO
[11:06] j83: LOL
[11:06] j83: but the thing is
[11:06] j83: she has a heart condition
[11:06] j83: i'm afraid that she might drop dead on me!
[11:06] x143: uh fuck me
[11:06] x143: that sounds like elektra
[11:06] x143: pass her off to bryan maybe he's interest
[11:06] j83: THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT!!!
[11:06] x143: interested
[11:06] x143: hahahaha
[11:07] x143: putangina i'm so mean.
[11:07] j83: you think he has an ailing heart fetish? lol
[11:09] x143: haha he has a fucked up sick desperate girl fetish
[11:10] j83: c'mon juls. you're talking about my woman too.. lol
[11:11] x143: sorry i was thinking only about elektra
[11:11] j83: hahah i know
[11:11] x143: um.. ok so your woman. she's sick
[11:11] j83: ahuh
[11:12] j83: like she fainted.. and when she woke up she found herself in bellevue. lol
[11:12] x143: wtf!
[11:12] j83: she has this umm.
[11:12] j83: like there are weird electrical impulses in her heart
[11:12] j83: which sometimes makes her heart beat either too fast or too slow
[11:12] j83: scary shit huh?
[11:13] j83: like one minute you're having a good time, the next you're dropping dead
[11:14] x143: oh damn
[11:14] x143: doesn't she need to be like under 24/7 supervision
[11:14] x143: and/or a pacemaker
[11:15] j83: she said she has been fine
[11:15] j83: like she's smoking now. lol
[11:15] x143: uhhh
[11:15] x143: retarded?
[11:15] j83: YES =;
[11:15] x143: and wait.. i ask you this same question i asked bryan..
[11:15] x143: how do you know that shit is forreal?!?!?!
[11:15] j83: what is it?
[11:15] x143: i can also say to you, joey, i cut off my foot. fuck. im such a sad lonely person.. i need you...
[11:16] j83: in her case.. she doesn't have a reason to lie to me about that stuff
[11:16] x143: you don't know that!
[11:16] x143: people lie for any reason.. even no reason
[11:16] x143: just cuz it's fun and you'll never find out
[11:17] x143: it's not like you'll see her blackened heart
[11:17] x143: or some dumb shit
[11:17] j83: well there are people who lie about having an illness
[11:17] j83: for attention
[11:17] x143: who are we talking about?
[11:17] x143: hee hee. say it
[11:17] j83: ELEKMOTHERFUCKINGTRA.lol
[11:17] x143: YES. i love you.
[11:17] x143: that's what i like to hear
[11:17] x143: and then there's your chick
[11:17] x143: haha
[11:17] j83: i know you do
[11:18] j83: i've a good read on people.. i don't think she's faking it
[11:18] j83: like.. it'd be such a stretch
[11:18] j83: and if anything.. having an illness is a turn off!
[11:18] x143: uhhh not necessarily
[11:19] x143: check out what bryan did
[11:19] x143: oh baby your kidney is failing? that's so hot, let's fuck!
[11:19] j83: that's cuz your ex-boy is batshit stupid =; lol
[11:19] x143: HAHAHAHA
[11:19] x143: omg too fucking funny
[11:19] j83: you like that? write it down. lol
[11:19] x143: don't worry baby, already written
[11:19] x143: hahaha, seriously though, this girl with the heart condition..what if she dies when you're fucking her?
[11:20] j83: i thought about that too
[11:20] j83: actually.. it's where i'd dump the body is what i was more worried about. lol
[11:20] j83: jk
[11:20] x143: and time out joey, isn't this essentially the same thing? like.. you're supposed to be turned off (your words not mine) but instead you're actually considering hooking up with her!
[11:20] j83: aahh shit
[11:20] j83: i was wishing you wouldn't catch that
[11:20] j83: lol
[11:20] x143: hahaha you're a fuckin hypocrite
[11:20] j83: but still different though
[11:21] j83: cuz me..
[11:21] x143: NO IT'S NOT
[11:21] x143: haha
[11:21] x143: well ok maybe slightly different, YOU are single
[11:21] j83: i'm desperately single and lonely.. bryan on the other hand was together with you!
[11:21] j83: like i'd rather date heart ailement lady than be single. lol
[11:22] x143: sigh. don't remind me how shitty that situation was
[11:22] j83: im sorry juls. didn't mean to
[11:24] x143: it's okay don't worry about it, seriously haha
[11:25] x143: well is heart girl being all like "joey i need you to survive?"
[11:25] x143: cuz that's also another thing that elektra did
[11:26] j83: hmm.. there are many ways to catch a boy's attention.. faking an affliction is way bottom in that long list. lol

[11:26] x143: hahaha i dont buy that i've seen it all

Taking off

Tue, 26 May 2009 03:01:54 GMT

My life has really taken off in the last two/three weeks. Okay that's not entirely accurate. Maybe the proper way to put it is that it took off a long time ago, I've only just begun to enjoy the ride.

Anyone who saw me post-breakup would know that I was a huge mess.. and that's putting it lightly. My self-esteem didn't exist, I was extremely insecure, I experienced deep anger, hatred, resentment and bitterness, I didn't know what to do with myself and life was becoming more and more unattractive each day. To this day, it's still beyond me why and how something so terrific could end so horribly, not even just in terms of romance but also what I thought would be a lifelong friendship. I still don't get it. The pain is there and will be for a long time but I'm dealing with it a little better each day. I take great solace in the fact that my conscience is clear. I can live with myself and walk away from this without any regrets. Now I've just been focusing on me and doing what makes ME happy. Finding it in myself to go out, enjoy life and salvage what little self-esteem, love and humor that exists inside me.

Thus begins my journey of re-discovering and re-building myself. After having lost a few more pounds on the "break-up diet" which..by the way, is more effective than any diet I've ever tried, I've started to really feel more confident in my own skin. Coupled with modeling, I'm learning the good things about myself, what I can do and what I need to improve on. I know it seems a little weird that I'm trying to boost my self-esteem, yet I am constantly putting myself in a situation where I will be scrutinized and criticized. I can't explain why but it's been helping me. I'm learning a lot about myself, mainly that I can't please everyone, nor should I try. I should just be brave, confident, give it my best shot and let Him take care of the rest. The fashion industry really truly does have more failures than successes. I need to toughen my skin if I want to pursue any career, not just ones in fashion. Who knew modeling taught life skills also?

Anywayyy..on to the lighter stuff. Last week was an awesome week for me..

May 20-21 : Pardon the detail, I need to share this because it was awesome. I get dragged to go out with my RAMP friends. It's a random wednesday night and I'm exhausted from work and an event at the British Embassy but I've already committed so I throw on whatever and head to Manor. I had insanely low expectations for the night which I've decided, is how I'm always going to go out because it brings fantastic results. We get our iced teas (we all don't really drink) and find a spot on the dance floor. It's close to this group of guys which is great eye-candy. There's one really cute one, totally my type. Tall, kalbo, lean, killer smile, tall, super cute and did I say tall? So whatever, I think he's cute and all but I'm wary of guys like him because there's always a catch. There's a reason the guys I've dated are all not my type. My friends are all gushing about tall guy's cute friend who apparently was on Pinoy Survivor. Not sure if he was the winner but he was on it. They're all freaking out about how, proximity-wise, he was right there and debating on whether we should take pictures with him. Being accustomed to the New Yorker way, I check out the "celebrity," affirm that he is cute and don't feel any inclination to bother the guy on his night out. I continue dancing, which is what I was there to do anyway. I still scope out Celebrity's cute friend. So we're dancing and having an ok time when my friend bravely taps Celebrity on the shoulder and asks to take a picture with him. I'm super excited though because TallCuteOne offers to the take the picture. Post-picture, Celebrity goes to me and says "Hi, my friend wants to know your name." For a split second I pray that it's TCO and not his other friends. So, I tell him my name and I almost drop dead because he turns to TCO and goes "Her name is Jules!!!" and then to me.. "This is R!" So R and I talk. As I expected, he's even cuter up close than when he was far away. And goddamn, he is tall. Even on my 3-in heels, I'm tiptoeing to talk to him and he's leaning down to talk to me. I'm insanely kilig but trying not to show it. Basically, I almost faint when he asks for my number. He's cocky. He has that aura of a guy who is cute and knows it. I move with my girls to a different spot on the dance floor. I talk to more guys, it feels nice. He also talks to other girls which gives me the impression he's collecting numbers. Boys, tsk. Before I leave, R comes over and goes, "wow. you have a lot of boys..." Mission accomplished, Game On. Hahaha. I'm evil. Two can play your game, R. You're in-demand, so am I. :)

In the day that followed, I find out from friends that he too is a reality show "celebrity" and model. Pinoy Fear Factor though. I suspect he just wants to get laid. Hmm. I highly doubt that's gonna happen, lol. I ordinarily hate games but this I don't mind because he's freaking hot and having been involuntarily put back on the market, I've decided I'm at least going to have some fun with it.

So this is what Celebrity and R look like. Feel free to drool. Celebrity is the shorter one, R is the taller one. No idea why they are shirtless in this picture but I'm not complaining. And unfortunately, when we met, they were fully-clothed. lol.

Another picture of R.. gloriously shirtless.

May 23 : We go to this Talent Agency to create a VTR for their file. We meet the owner and he says some very nice things about me. He thinks that I could be a great host because I have a good personality and I'm very classy and elegant. I express that if I did take on a career in entertainment/fashion, it would definitely be for print and runway. He says that even if I'm too short for the runway, he thinks that I can still make it. He says that I should grow my hair longer (already doing so) so that I have more flexibility in getting projects. He wants my headshots and thinks that I'm ready and can start asap. This gets me excited but I don't want to get too into it. I still want to think about it. The best part about it is that the Agent I was speaking to apparently worked in banking for 25 years as a VP for State Street in their Private Asset Management (or something) group prior to coming home to the PI and putting up his agency. We had a good talk about the industry and I think I gained even more of his respect. I'm excited about this opportunity though it will definitely have to wait until I get back from the US. I'm glad the door is open.

May 24: Our photoshoot with Doc Marlon. In a few words-- tiring, exciting, fun and intimidating. DM is definitely a character and is absolute genius. He loves movement and awkward poses. There were times when he would focus his attention on the model and times when he would ignore her completely. I personally preferred that he paid attention only because I learned from his input and took ideas and cues from his vision. He was impatient and had a scathing tongue so the pressure is so great to do things right the first time. Fix your expression, fix your body, fix your hair, soften your look, part your lips, soften your fingers, shoulders back, look at the camera, look away from the camera were the easier orders that he would bark at the models. I unfortunately, got assigned a really awkward pose that he demanded I hold until the veins popped out of my hand. lol. But in retrospect that wasn't so bad. I'm excited to see how the pictures come out. Good, I hope.

In the end Doc told me that I had a nice face, told me to lose a little more weight and grow my hair. I was excited by this feedback because by comparison, it was positive. Kuku also mentioned that Doc said that he thought I was pretty. She also told me that he makes me do the harder poses because he recognizes that I'm the strongest model in the group and wants to challenge me. That got me really excited and motivated to push myself to the limits. My entire body ached for hours afterwards. It was so worth it.

I learned sooo much that day. Lesson #1 - Modeling is NOT easy. I had to hold poses, legs crossed, tiptoe, squat, crouch, jump, dance all in 4-in heels and still maintain my expression and confidence. Lesson #2 - Listen, listen, listen, listen very carefully to instructions. Lesson #3 - In photoshoots, there's always a shit ton of people watching (makeup artists, photographer assistants, studio personnel, other models) so you can't be self-conscious when you walk up to the set. The A-game should always be present. Lesson #4 - Don't take the criticism too harshly. Lesson #5 - Don't complain. Lesson #6 - Have fun with it. The list goes on.. but these are some of the major ones that I learned when I did my first ever photoshoot.

So yes.. this so far wraps up the action that's been happening in my life the past few days. I'm really looking forward to the weeks ahead. This is a huge improvement from the old me who didn't want to face tomorrow. I'm so incredibly excited. :) :) :)

Musings about my 1st night out as a single lady

Sun, 10 May 2009 13:56:40 GMT

Despite my jam-packed weekend, DQ invited me to go to Embassy on a whim and I agreed. Man. It was sooo great to get out there. I didn't even really talk to guys. I spent most of my time dodging guys. I just really wanted to dance. We had a blast--we scoped out the guys, danced our butts off, pretended to be VIP and then we met the EC brothers!

What's so important about the ECBros? well the circumstance and how it reflects on my situation....

I think it's funny that out all the guys at Embassy that I could've met, I managed to talk up a guy from San Francisco. God's making my new "make friends with guys in your own zipcode" mantra very difficult. I guess the Fil-Ams like me. I've also met a few people from Canada lately. Hmm.

So back to my Ebro (Dq 'got' the other one)...He's cute as hell. Really tall, 1/2 chinese and 1/2 filipino, speaks tagalog. He had me at the part where he was like "Yeah, we're put up a marketing firm here." Um, so even if marketing doesn't really count as a real job (which I made sure to tell him) I'm a fan of his being business-minded and driven.

It doesn't matter since E has a girlfriend back in SF, even if he kept saying that last night he was single. *rolling eyes* I've decided that girlfriends are always deal-breakers. I have no desire to mess with that. The Karma is just going to come right back around and make me sorry. Though, no lies, a tiny part of me wishes I didn't know so I could play the innocent victim card. Whatever though, nothing happened, my conscience is clear! My heart goes out to his poor girlfriend. :( Warning to EC's girlfriend in Cali, if you ever read this and you have a DJing bf in Manila that's holding office in the HSBC building, keep an eye on your boy, he's insane. (For the record, he was the one who started talking to me.) I'm not the first. His words, not mine. So girl, watch out.

I just thought that this was interesting considering the path all my relationships have taken. It made me wonder if there was a message being sent to me about messing with the boyfriends of others and also "what if I was the girlfriend?" parallel. In either situation, I think it's a "Steer Clear" reminder because if anyone should be familiar with the trouble that that would entail, it would be me.

Song: I Know You Want Me (Calle Ocho) - Pitbull

Bitaw

Sat, 02 May 2009 06:12:25 GMT

Elektra De Gans,

I think you are full of shit. You are a selfish, needy little whore that plays up your problems to get attention. Boo-fucking-hoo to your so called issues. You're not special. We all have problems. Suck it up and deal with it. If this kidney bullshit is real, give the kidney to someone who actually deserves it because you sure as hell don't.

Switching gears for a second

Tue, 28 Apr 2009 14:38:20 GMT

I met with a psychic today. I'm kind of spooked. He reads auras and tells you things about yourself. Some of it was wrong but a lot of it seemed to apply to me. He did not know anything about me except my name which he found out about 30 minutes prior to our meeting. He was vague but also very.. specific. If that makes sense. I swear that I did not make any of this up...

Right off the bat, he says my career is strong, my love life is weak.

He saw good things in my career. He said that I would be successful and rich one day. I am good with money. He says I should go into business. I am better off owning my own business instead of working for someone else. He said that I should stay in the Philippines and not go abroad. Travel is fine but the Philippines is where I will find success. He said that my fields will be marketing, trading or a service business.

I admit that I am putting up a business, yes. I ask him about my partner. He says my business partner is a good guy but we might come into an argument further down the line so I should create an agreement to protect me from any conflict. He mentions that my partner's name has a letter "A." He says that my business be a good venture.

We talked about my family. He asked me if I was first or second in my family (as far as siblings go). This shocked me. I said I'm the oldest. I ask about my brother. He says my brother is very distracted, by girls and a lot of other things. He said that a lot of girls like my brother. Randomly he goes, don't worry, your brother will graduate. Might be a little difficult but he will graduate.

My father needs to take care of his health.

He says that my parents have grown apart. He says that there is another woman that my mother does not want to confront because she is older and too tired to deal with it. But my parents will be together in the end.

He says that I have good friends. I should be wary because they will be envious of me but this is temporary.

So on to the love life business....... here we go. Steel yourself. Again, I maintain, I did NOT make any of this up.

He said that my love life isn't strong. It's very.. rocky. He says that he senses a lot of inner turmoil. He says that the boy in question loves me and I love him but there is conflict. He says to forgive because we are soulmates and we will be together in the end. He says that I cannot resist him because I love him and we may reconcile in the next two-three months. There is a letter R or U in the name. He says that we are fighting over my guy's career. So I say that this is wrong. He asks me what the problem is and I say that the boy in question cheated on me. Psychic thinks for a second and goes.. he doesn't love her (as in the other girl). I say tell me more about the other girl and their relationship. He ponders this for a few minutes...

He says that Ex and Other Girl (OG) were not serious. He says that OG whose name has a letter L or M was the one who pursued Ex, she is very flirty. He goes.. you know OG has a lot of issues and hang-ups. She too, is conflicted. She was leaning on Ex. Ex was just putting up with her for friendship. But he does not love her. He loves you.

So back to me. An old boy will make an appearance in my life. This will confuse me apparently. Old/new boy has the letter O in his name and another letter that I forgot. This is interesting. We all know who he may be talking about.

In the next three months I will meet another boy who I will develop feelings for so I have to be careful. But Psychic says that I will end up with my soulmate.

I also have a boy that might come from abroad to woo me. Bottom line, my love life is a mess.

He also says that I will get married in 2010 or 2011. I will also get pregnant in 2010. Ummm... what.

Other random assessments:

I am not to drive the month of August or else I will get into a car accident. I am to be home by 10pm every night or else something bad might happen to me.

My third eye is intuition. My instinct is good. When Ex cheated on me, I knew. I should trust my gut. He tells me I should develop my intuition strength.

So basically, it's generic but also.. very specific. Hahaha. It's really hard to explain. Compared with my friend's assessment, he made a lot of wrong assessments but the ones he got right were like are you serious?! So I went from being a non-believer to a "okay.. maybe..." lol. At the very least, he's a really good guesser. I'm gonna get him to read me again in like a few months time because if he is forreal, then the assessment will be consistent even if he no longer remembers me (which would be ideal).

Anyway, back to reality. Time to go ponder his assessment as I pray to the internet gods to allow me to book my freaking tickets to Saigon and Singapore. I hate you PAL, you're wasting so much of my life.

Random kwentos: I may be a gun-toting civilian soon!! This excites me. I'm asking Lei to take me with him when he goes to a gun range so I can test out guns and eventually pick one out on my own. License-schmicense. Hee hee, exciting stuff. China has also been in the back of my mind. I'm sorely tempted to just book a ticket and disappear there like Jamie just did. I will not come back until I am trilingual. I found someone to adopt me so it's in the works. I'm seriously determined to work through my goals which involve, guns, traveling to obscure places, doing charity work, reconnecting with my Chinese heritage, getting my ivy MBA, living in like two more countries (France is up for discussion as I want to speak French), learn more languages, go on a walkabout, get at least one modeling job, drift a car, jump out of a plane, swim with butanding, start surfing, release a pawikan, climb a volcano, etc etc etc. I want to be more interesting.

The Psychic said good things are in store for me. I hope he is right.

rewind

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 16:22:37 GMT

Gah. I hate triggers. I was cleaning out my computer and I found this... the slut. And of course the douchebag that was my pathetic, needy and selfish boyfriend was totally flattered by this and allowed it to happen. Fuck My Life.

I'm excited to get to the point where my insides stop twisting* every time I think about the following:

new girlfriend,
Vegas,
boatloads of babies,
roller coasters,
eating contests,
betrayal in my own home,
3/22/09,
3/13/09,
"I love you baby, I can't wait to come home to you.."
kidneys,
transplants,
the Superbowl,
random out of the blue comments about her.. like.. Me: "Oh man I would kill to dance like that" Him: "you know who dances like that? item#1 does"... ex knows just what to say to make his girl feel awesome. clearly the compliment was directed towards his new beloved and not me.
law school,
rock band,
I love yous (true and false)**
4 years of (best, if I might add) friendship,
9/13,
the future I envisioned that won't happen,
love is not enough,
all the lies,
all the defensiveness,
all the fighting (over and for item#1),
all the accusing me as if I were wrong,
basically everything that happened,
how I was such a devoted and trusting fool.

**I've always been taught that it is true OR false and never both.
*And to clarify, "twisting pain" is an understatement. It feels like someone punched me hard enough to get the wind knocked out of me and then as I collapse and gasp for breath, they stab me repeatedly, twist the knife around my chest and then leave me for dead.

AHHHH. It hurts!! I hope they're very happy together. That kidney she gets better fucking help her find life on Mars for all this to be worth it. If she doesn't get it then what the fuck, she's stupid and maybe she doesn't deserve it.

I want to feel whole again.

Easier said than done

Sat, 04 Apr 2009 13:53:11 GMT

So it really is all true. I'm going through my first real breakup and finding that getting over someone is extremely difficult. Especially if, like me, you were foolish enough to believe that you were going to spend the rest of your life with this person. I guess the friendship deluded me into feeling secure about our relationship. I thought if there was anything that we had, it would be honesty and love. I couldn't have been any more wrong. Screw honesty. As for love, I've learned that love isn't enough. They lied. Love will not keep you alive.

I've stopped believing in guys and relationships. I've lost faith in people's ability to stay true to everything from their principles to their commitments. I'm always wary and suspicious. I don't want to feel this way at all but it's difficult. He's ruined everything for me. I'm praying this is only temporary.

There is so much I want to say but nothing I haven't already said. I've repeated my tirades, frustrations and suffering to so many yet I don't feel any better. I'm looking for answers or closure but nothing is satisfactory. I carry around a void that only time can fill.

It's been 13 days and counting. I'm doing okay. I'm better when I'm distracted but it's never far from my mind. When I'm by myself or have a minute to think, I tend to really lose myself in painful memories of yesterday.

I think I have the worst combination of abilities. Terrific memory + Wild Imagination = Mental Torture. I keep thinking about them and the extent of the lies and the betrayal. I can't help it. I know it's pouring salt on my wounds. I have to find distractions but the cycle begins again. Bottom line, I take one step forward and three steps back. There's no end in sight.

Help. Please.

Written about me.. but for you.

Mon, 23 Mar 2009 10:31:12 GMT

Three Cheers for Five Years

Mayday Parade

I swear that you don't have to go..
I thought we could wait for the fireworks.
I thought we could wait for the snow,
To wash over Georgia and kill the hurt
I thought I could live in your arms
And spend every moment I had with you
Stay up all night with the stars
Confess all the faith that I had in you
Too late, I'm sure and lonely
Another night, another dream wasted on you
Just be here now against me
You know the words, so sing along for me baby
For heaven's sake I know you're sorry
But you won't stop crying
This anniversary may never be the same
Inside I hope you know I'm dying
With my heart beside me
In shattered pieces that may never be replaced
And if I DIED right now you'd never be the same

I thought with a month of apart
Together would find us an opening
And moonlight would provide the spark
And that I would stumble across the key
Or break down the door to your heart
Forever could see us not you and me
And you'd help me out of the dark
And I'd give my heart as an offering

And I will always remember you as you are right now to me
And I will always remember now
Sleep alone tonight with no one here just by your side
How does (s)he feel, how does (s)he kiss?
How does (s)he taste while (s)he's on your lips?
I can't forget you
I know you want me to want you
I want to
But I can't forgive you
So when this is over don't blow your composure baby
I can't forgive you.

I know you want me to want you I want to